For the Sonorous
Boyfriend (Version 3.0)
New and Improved. Choose from a variety of modes and plug-ins to fine-tune your product’s personality.
Ever wonder if your boyfriend loves you enough to hack into your phone or follow you to an evening yoga class just in case? With this beta Jealousy plug-in, your boyfriend will exhibit borderline-stalker behavior in an effort to ensure that the only person in your heart (and pants) is him. Behavior varies from demanding, “How do you know THAT GUY?” to mild threats to your personal safety. (We assume no responsibility for boyfriends who show up on your doorstep unannounced at 1 a.m. to “make sure you are alone in there.”)
Butch/Femme Toggle: Butch mode ensures your man never whines, cries at inopportune times, or expresses any emotion other than arousal. Femme mode ensures your “partner” shares what has been upsetting him, buys self-help books on healing, and writes songs about migrating birds.
For the more adventurous, we have partnered with Good Vibrations to design a complete kit just in time for Valentine’s. Bored of your vanilla lover who slobbers kisses and looks deeply into your eyes? The BDSM package includes a software update for exaggerated roughness, one riding crop, one blindfold, one pair of handcuffs, and several scripts to follow: Drunk Slut, Teen Cocktease, Dungeon Kidnapping, and Jockey and Racehorse.
[Unfortunately, when used in combination with Femme mode, we cannot prevent the product from experiencing guilt, confusion, and feelings of loss after sessions.]
A special team of relationship experts is ready to unveil The Handbag Boyfriend. Goes where you do! The modern woman ping pongs from reading club to non-profit board meeting to Gramma’s brunch. Want to show up alone and presumably single? Or arrive with a charmer who laughs at your jokes and orders the appropriate wine pairing? That’s what we thought. The Handbag Boyfriend will even accompany you to awkward events such as your ob/gyn appointment or all-female crochet circle. No activity is too personal or too feminine! Let him show his support by REALLY being there for you.
Is there a point in dating when your boyfriend texts you first thing, “Good Morning, Gorgeous,” and every afternoon, “Thinking of you, Sweetie”? For the woman who needs more space (aka commitment issues), we have tinkered with the obligation spline until we found a balance between casual contact and suffocating communication. In Booty Call mode, look forward to late night surprises and red roses without the baggage of in-law meetings or listening to his inner child’s fear of abandonment.
Do the holidays fill you with dread at the thought of Gramma’s suggestive stories about eco-bassinets? Are the lesbian rumors about your college experimentation no longer enough to fend off questions now that you’re in your, gulp, early 30’s? The Keeper comes to the rescue! He’s humble, steadfast, adoring, and litters his nondescript anecdotes with references to a moral upbringing. Finally bond with your newlywed cousin over how difficult it is to agree over the right print for bed sheets! The Keeper will peck your cheek, compliment your Mom, and pack all the heteronormativity one can muster into a Thanksgiving dinner or Christmas Eve cocktail party. Breathe a sigh of relief. You can finally prove that your emotional issues are not so deep-seated as to prevent you from joining the ranks of the wedded.
All of us have friends who go gaga over their “gay boyfriend,” and now YOU can know the freedom of pursuing all your girly pleasures (makeover, mani/pedi, mimosas) with none of the pesky competition. Want to find a cocktail dress for a chic wedding without your pal secretly thinking, “You ought to lose10 pounds”? Want a risk-free outlet for shameless flirting with someone off-limits and yet emotionally available? The Gay Boyfriend can dance til dawn then get you home safe and nurse your hangover. (This mode can only be unlocked in urban cultural centers like NYC and SF.)
Our “Knight in Shining Armor” has been updated to better address women with low self esteem. If you have been wondering whether you’ll ever find someone who makes you feel worse AND better about yourself, look no further than The Heroic Loner. Choose from a number of heroic hobbies, such as drummer, neighborhood do-gooder, or artisan pencil crafter. The Loner, when he has time to fit you into his busy schedule, is programmed to buoy your fragile self-concept with his own emphatic disinterest. Start out with mild comments like, “It takes some guts to wear those shoes,” or, “These days, everyone has a Master’s degree,” then build up to, “I always admire women who know they aren’t beautiful, and manage to develop the confidence to hide it well.”
Quantities limited. Reserve yours today.
Heat Wave
Bettina barges into an ice cream parlor
and plunks down a quarter.
A moustachioed clerk mops his sweat,
points to quaintly chalked signs.
“Little girl, pick your poison.”
Turpentine. Rich n butt’ry.
Disaster, with real chunks o’ concrete.
Quicklime. Citrus notes.
Arsenic. With chocolate.
Cataclysm. Hints of cinnamon.
Shipwreck, crusted with salt.
Bettina sags one hip and pouts.
“I don’t want that.”
Who eats chocolate when it’s a hunnerd out?
“There ain’t much left. Um...
Apocalypse with caramel ribbon.
Bogeyman, extra nougat.
and the last one’s plain Trouble.”
“Yup. I’ll take one scoop of trouble
in a waffle cone.”
Julian Mithra queers desire through performance poetry, collage zines, and cut up books. Find their work in The Golden Key, Thank You For Swallowing, Whirlwind Magazine, Storm Cellar, Gendertrash Cafe, and Milvia Street. Listen to unsettling recitations on Soundcloud.com/sara-anika-mithra and watch soft focus videos on vimeo.com/saramithra.