For the Sonorous

a recurring nightmare

 

wherever i go

i feel her presence

whenever i close my eyes

she stares right back at me

she haunts me most at night

right after i crawl into bed

right before i shut my eyes

she sings the same haunting tune to lull me back

sleep

my child,

so that you may dream

it’s not a nightmare

you mustn't scream

let me in-

and out of love,

i’ll show you

a future

you needn't

be

afraid of

 

my eyes swell with tears

my mouth trembles with each labored breath

my heart pulsates in my skull

my fingertips turn purple as i grip the sheets underneath

not again, not again, not again, please, not again

 

i’m-

not

   strong

           enough

i -

      can’t

                fight

                         back
 

i-

      heave a sigh

my -

        fingers relax

my-

      heart slows

my-

        lashes touch

i’ve

succumb

at

last

 

a blooming light in the impenetrable darkness

she’s come to save me

enveloped in sudden warmth,

i eagerly wait to meet her

 

i make out her figure

and her gradual approach

could she walk any slower?

hurry! i shout

 

a little patience never killed anybody she coos

she draws nearer

her pendulous silk dress blankets her skin and bones

her staggering movements let out...

a persistent but faint ‘creak’

 

i see her glossy luxuriant burnt sienna hair

the strands catch the surrounding light

i am mesmerized at how lightly they bounce

 

i still cannot make out the woman’s face

her hair swishes in front of it

an arduous final hairflip steals my breath

and stops time completely
 

she jerks her face toward me

right when the last of her hair gracefully falls behind her

i scream but nothing comes out

my eyes bulge out at the pressure

a wave of lightheadedness washes over me

threatening to pull me under

 

not so fast, my sweet

you can’t leave now

i just got here

take a good long look baby

i’m not going to hurt you

 

every vein in my body vibrates in fear as i take her in

there’s something very awry and unnatural in her aspect

her painted face is deathly pale

but a bleached smile brightens her whole self

 

my eyes shift to her hair i thought so fondly of seconds ago

up close it’s a matted tangle of synthetic fibers

how did my eyes deceive me so convincingly?

 

she’s beautiful, no doubt

but a beautiful that penetrates your soul

makes your blood chill and coagulate

that stops you in your tracks

because you’re petrified to look away

 

who are you? i cry

what do you want from me?

i want you to stop being afraid of me dear

imprint my face in your brain

i don’t want you to ever forget about me honey

 

stop! please! i beg you

i don’t want to ever see you again

oh you doll, you’ll be seeing me often for a very, very long time
 

she cackles and reaches out

no, stop please! get away from me!

her cadaverous fingers cup my face

the bone-chilling cold jolts me from my slumber

my eyes fly open

i’m drenched in sweat

there’s a ringing in my ears

my entire body is numb

my ribcage squeezes my chest

​

i force myself out of bed

it’s not real

not real

not real

i need a drink of water

i need to take my meds

i need anything

anything

to help me forget her horrific face

 

i make my way to the bedroom door

the hairs on my neck stand up

goosebumps ripple from top to bottom

tensing my muscles

i crumple up to relieve the agony

 

at the corner of my eye

i see movement

i slowly turn my body

towards the mirror atop my dresser

and see her smiling right back

 

STOP--JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!

i shriek

i run up and punch the mirror with my fist

shards of glass fly everywhere

and slice me all over

her face finally fades away

and i am met with my own
 

i look down at my incised skin

blood drips on the floor

is this mine?

i scoop up droplets from the puddle forming under my feet

and lift it up to my eyes

how can so much of this be in me?

when my body is such a void

a reflection of my worthlessness

i watch as my fingers’ thenar spaces filter the driblet

perhaps i should let more out to remind myself i’m alive

 

i better get myself stitched up though

i crush more shards of glass under my feet

for those fleeting sensations of pain

a faint ‘creak’ echoes as i step on the wooden floorboards

 

i grab my cell phone on the kitchen counter

and dial the number of my favorite doctor

hey doc, sorry it’s so late

it’s an emergency

yeah, i accidentally scratched my whole body

it’s a long story, really

thank you so much doc

i’ll be in your office in a jiffy

 

i’m just about to hang up

when i catch my reflection

in a glass shard stuck to my hand

i study my hideous face staring back

with my plump cheeks

my chubby chin

my yellow teeth

my dark skin

blemish after blemish after blemish

too many pimples

too many freckles

too many birthmarks

too many warts

too many deformities

 

and just to tie it up

my head full of black boring flat straight hair

 

hey doc, you still there?

great--thank god

do you mind doing another facelift while you’re at it

yeah, sorry is it too much to ask

i just really need another one

i can’t stand the way i look

also i’m thinking of implanting new colored hairs

oh i love you, you’re the best

i’ll see you in a few

thank you so much

 

i place my cell phone back down on the counter

and as i get myself ready to leave the house

a sharp stab crushes my skull

a faint laugh reverberates around my brain

beauty is just an illusion, sweetheart…

 

i grab my keys and rush out the door